New shoes are like a laxative, but for sexy confidence instead of poop. Or perhaps they are like a soporific, except instead of inducing sleep they induce flirtation with girls so pretty I'd normally try to avoid even looking at them, lest I lose control of my flaccidity. New shoes make inopportune boners opportune. Sadly people don't often stare at my feet when I want them to, despite me wearing a shirt that says, “If you think this shirt is cool you should see my new shoes.”
I've gone all out for the party tomorrow. In addition to new shoes, I have a new haircut. And not just a new haircut, but a new style. I daresay it's daring. I boldly proclaim it's a bold proclamation. I confidently assert it's going to make random passersby horny as hell. Close your eyes for a second, imagine a lion's mane. Imagine how awesome that mane would be if it was made of fire and could wield a sword. NOW DOUBLE THAT, that's how awesome this haircut is. Keep your eyes closed and imagine Brad Pitt's body in “Snatch”. Now imagine Gerard Butler's in “300”. Tuck it into your belt and imagine scientists could put all that sexy in a pill and imagine my hair just took that pill. I trust you're beginning to get an idea about how good this haircut is.
To complete my transformation from lonely loser to alluring Lothario, tomorrow I will only have ONE double garlic and onion sandwich for lunch and I'm skipping my anchovy gum altogether. I'm going to break my normal schedule and bathe before the party instead of waiting for my weekly shower on Monday.
The girl of my dreams is out there, waiting for me. She has been very patient. And it's not been easy, they've been some lonely and sad, yet incredibly busty years. But luckily for her I'm here now. And I've got the haircut and shoes I need to not tremble when I ask her what time it is, and then walk away elated because she almost looked at me. Tomorrow will be a good day.
On a slightly more serious note, if your name is a palindrome and you kissed me last weekend hold on to your hats; tomorrow my new shoes and hat might prove to be more than you can resist. Especially when I pull out the best pickup line ever invented by anyone (write this one down guys, it works like whoa). You got that pen yet, cuz here it is: “If you could be any Disney Princess, which one would you be?” The delivery of this question is important. The question should be built up. Tell her you have a really important question to ask her, but hold on, you need a fresh drink (and so does she), or you need to pee or something. Let her get excited about this really important question. Let her think about what it could be. She will laugh when you finally ask it. What she says is not particularly important, as long as she explains why. If she doesn't volunteer the why ask for it. The “why” gets her talking about her in a silly and fun context, and that's great news for both of you.
I am going to once again ask anyone who reads this to comment. How did you get here? What did you think?
No comments:
Post a Comment